My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
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Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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