@peachesanscream: My nephew told me all he wants for Christmas is his dead dog back. Can't WAIT to see his face when I wrap it up and stick it under the tree.
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@CA_Country: My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you'll need a shovel and map to find him.
@HouseWithDoors: *playing poker* *my opponent smirks* "All in." he says. *pair of aces* *I smile* *throws down a pair of Olsen twins* "Full House."
@snowmedia: My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says"Daddy, you did it!" If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she'll flip out.
@LackOfShame: Mom: "Why are you always on your phone? What's so great about the internet?" Me: It doesn't constantly ask me questions