It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
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me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.