@Adam14: My new bowflex comes tomorrow...so if anyone wants to buy a slightly used bowflex in a couple months let me know.
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@Adar79Angie: If your Dad leaves, just act like you're installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
@narcoticpanda: *gets hit by a car* Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?" Me: "Please... I need my... phone" *opens Twitter* Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"
@stevefrigley: Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone. Guess who has a new ringtone.