My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
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never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
I can’t wait!
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Stonehinge
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit