Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
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The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.