11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
You Might Also Like
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
And they lived apathetically ever after.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Bring back the McRib
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
a public service announcement
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs