@BoozyMusic: My new cat, John Cena, wants me to remind y'all to never let your kids name your pets.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: What sound do dogs make? 3-year-old: Woof woof. Me: Horses? 3: Neigh. Me: Pigs? 3: Sizzle sizzle. Somebody understands bacon.
@withanewname: Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop* Mgr: What'd she want? Me: nothing. Mgr: Where're all the donuts?
@TheSomeGuyShow: If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don't judge her, you're also eating at Applebees.