@BoozyMusic: My new cat, John Cena, wants me to remind y'all to never let your kids name your pets.
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@T_N_Crumpets: *Bruno Mars on the radio* Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me? Brain: Just say, YES! Me: Has the pin been pulled? Brain: Idiot!
@215potter: Back in my day a "selfie," was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
@novicefather: I played dead in the living room to see how my 2yo would respond. He climbed on my "corpse" for 5 minutes then turned on the tv.