Optional boss fight.
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Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
I only eat vegetarians.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.