Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
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“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.