@trumpetcake: My new coloring book, How To Tell The Woman You Love You've Been Living In Her Shrubs For A Year, comes out on tUESsdhay martha i love you
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@david8hughes: [in class] Me: hey, can I borrow a pen? Guy: sure, black or blue? Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
@ShaneKnowsStuff: The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They're like, "Hey, what's your friend's name?" Never works on me ladies.