@trumpetcake: My new coloring book, How To Tell The Woman You Love You've Been Living In Her Shrubs For A Year, comes out on tUESsdhay martha i love you
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@Cheeseboy22: My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it's the lightning that will kill him.
@AGreaterMonster: The beauty of meditation is it helps instill inner peace in someone that makes it easy to pick his pockets.
@bourgeoisalien: I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he's been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
@Brianhopecomedy: Saw a phone booth. Hopped in. Came out. Didn't become Superman. Now it just looks like I was hiding while that lady was getting mugged.