Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
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Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
that’s really how it is
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Batman v Dracula
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them