@trumpetcake: My new coloring book, How To Tell The Woman You Love You've Been Living In Her Shrubs For A Year, comes out on tUESsdhay martha i love you
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@TheBoydP: Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
@Matt_The_1st: Me: "Hey doc, what's that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?" Doctor: "40"
@Parkerlawyer: Listening to my husband's gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
@myonlymizztake: T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I'm literally dying! T-Rex mom: don't be so dramatic...