My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
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We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”