DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
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Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
I’m already scared
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Sing it!
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?