My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
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my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Why are bridges so flammable.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Happy thanksgiving!
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is