My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
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[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?