@ElgatoEsmio: My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
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@TheToddWilliams: [Thanksgiving dinner] WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp ME: Those are for tomorrow WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla- ME: Black Fry Day
@Brianhopecomedy: I've tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
@kimtopher22: Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
@jonnysun: MAGICIAN: think of a card! ME: ok. MAGICIAN: is… this ur card? [holds up card that says "UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP"] ME: holy crap