My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
You Might Also Like
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!