@Not_From_Troy: My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I'm fat.
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@puffin7911: When I say to my kids "sit here and watch cartoons" they hear "come and bug me while I am trying to take naughty pictures for daddy."
@toomanytoes: Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
@WritePlay: "The house always wins," muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch's crushed body.
@doktorj: Me: "Can you go back four slides?" Bride: "To the wedding dress?" Me: "No, the cheese plate." Me: Wipes tears.