Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
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I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
plums roundup
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017