@nachosarah: my new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone's having a party
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@Birdhumms: 70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
@briancthayer: [exchanging vows] HIM: I'll love you forever. HER: I'll love you until you leave me a voicemail. HIM: Wait, what?! PRIEST: No, that's fair.
@ShortSleeveSuit: [working at prison coffee shop] I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
@dj_raleigh: Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring