“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
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My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count