The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
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I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Yup
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
choose your fighter
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please