My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
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I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.