My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
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Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
The internet is full of many things
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?