Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
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Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism