One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
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I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
The internet is full of many things
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.