*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
You Might Also Like
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.