So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
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I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”