He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
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break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
“We will wed,” I threatened
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
This is enough internet for the day.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”