My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won't feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.

@notalogin: The recipe said "prick with a fork," but enough about me.

1

@Chumpstring: me: are there really aliens at area 51 pentagon official: that’s confidential me: then how’d i hear about it

1

@UnicornSyrup: Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor's ghost! At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

1

@meganamram: I never give homeless people drugs because I know they're just going to trade them for food

981

@Im_Tricia: Mom: "Do you want this?" Me: "No." Mom: "Ok I'll give it to your brother." Me: "No I want it."

62

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets