My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
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I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Always
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.