My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
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Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
The glory of fall.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
quarantine day 3
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.