The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
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Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me