I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
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imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”