@WillHinsa: My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
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@sixfootcandy: Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror* Trainer: Ma'am, are you having a stroke?
@danteshepherd: ROBIN: You didn't name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you? BATMAN: Of course not ROBIN: BATMAN: OK, yes, there's batshampoo ROBIN: BATMAN: But there's also conditioner gordon
@sucittaM: Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
@sumpeoplelikeit: Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we'll decide if it's positive or negative.