@Reverend_Scott: Thinking about having kids? Buy a plant. If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you're too old to have kids by then.

@TheTweetOfGod: Free will is good, but free pizza is better.

@RandomAntics: Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.

@AngryRaccoon2: If anxiety was good for weight loss, I'd be back to being a molecule.

@TheQuietPsycho: *getting married Priest: will you love & honor her? Me: I will Her: [whispers to priest] Priest: and leave your phone unlocked? Me: I'm out