@WillHinsa: My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
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@withanewname: [trick or treating] "Oh, what a cute little…what's she doing?" Me: potty training. "In my pumpkin?!" Me: She likes the heated seat.
@3sunzzz: I'll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex. Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you What is a picnic? Correct!
@TheTweetOfGod: "Why do bad things happen to good people?" To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
@ambamthankyamam: I saved my husband's life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.