@sixfootcandy: Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror* Trainer: Ma'am, are you having a stroke?

@danteshepherd: ROBIN: You didn't name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you? BATMAN: Of course not ROBIN: BATMAN: OK, yes, there's batshampoo ROBIN: BATMAN: But there's also conditioner gordon

@sucittaM: Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.

@sumpeoplelikeit: Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we'll decide if it's positive or negative.

@living_marble: Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.