The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
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Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.