My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
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-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Liquor Store Parking
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.