@Rollinintheseat: My newly married friend begins most sentences with, "My husband said." My go to response is, "My dogs haven't said much today."
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@squirrel74wkgn: *knocks on bathroom stall wall* Forgive me father, for I have sinned. "Huh? What?" It's been 3 days since my last- [sound of diarrhea]
@prattprattpratt: If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
@caliluvgirl77: If I wasn't supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Let's go outside. 3-year-old: No! The deer will eat me. Wife: Deer don't eat people 3: The zombie ones do Wife: Get your dad. Now.