My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
You Might Also Like
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
I’m giving up for Lent.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition