@Rollinintheseat: My newly married friend begins most sentences with, "My husband said." My go to response is, "My dogs haven't said much today."
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@BoogTweets: More like "science UN-fair" *I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava* *I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
@WalkingOutside: Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
@hasht4g: I wonder how long it will be before "You look like a million bucks" is an insult. #inflation
@notacroc: ME: we can do this GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can't clear the bridge ME: *mashes 'im feeling lucky' button*