My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
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Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
for all #parents out there
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?