My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
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I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
[enter password]
*Correct*
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Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
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Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I鈥檓 telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
All I鈥檝e ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don鈥檛 ask for much.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
The look of dismay on my dog鈥檚 face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they鈥檙e chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
LOL
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Who snuck Monday in here? 馃檮
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love