@DoreyZoe: My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
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@ComedyCentral: "If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace." -Taylor Swift's moment of revenge
@simoncholland: Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
@iinkedZombie: The horn quit working in my truck, so I'm hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
@gmossii: My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.