My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
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I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside