My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
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The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit