There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
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This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.