My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
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I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend