Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
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Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Krampus.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.