My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
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Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.