My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
You Might Also Like
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.