My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
You Might Also Like
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
thanksgiving in nutshell
it was a valiant fight
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-