My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
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Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
mechanics be like