Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
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Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?