GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
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[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
My five year plan is a meteorite
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.