My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
You Might Also Like
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Getting married soon just need a spouse
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?