@JohnLyonTweets: My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
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@DirtMcTurd: Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend? "What? Why?" It sounds boring and there's no way that couple makes it.. "It's OUR wedding!"
@KalvinMacleod: [sky diving] INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump? ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls? INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
@AnnietheNanny1: Me in my 20's: I don't want to leave the house if my Victoria's Secret bra doesn't match my thong. Me in my 40's: I don't want to leave the house.
@Slims_Ramblings: Confidence should never be confused with arrogance. Arrogance is spelled way differently.