My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
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I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.