I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
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OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.