@ReeseButCallMeV: My niece said I look like a mom. So now we're playing a game, sorta like Hide-N-Seek, except I hide her and no one finds her. Ever.
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@SteveSuckington: "How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
@LizHackett: I once saw a real bear in the wild and said "Aww, look at him!" What I'm saying is, don't turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
@Jtweeters: If you love someone, set them free. If they return... something, something, Justin Bieber's a lesbian.
@kavoinooi: I hate when my cat brings in a dead bird and I have to pretend I enjoy eating it so I don't hurt his feelings