My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
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Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
mom had nothing to worry about
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.